I Need You
by Penrynandtheshadowhunters
Summary: Part of the club scene at the San Francisco aerie told from Raffe's POV. (Yes it includes the kiss!)


"If this is your idea of Hell, you're very innocent." A smile slides across my face thinking of how I just used the word innocent to describe Penryn. Images of her beating Boden to a pulp and picking a fight with that girl over the wash tub, her standing in the dark with my wings pretending to be an angel and her facing the angel with burnt wings flash across my mind like a movie, and I stifle a laugh. She is nothing close to pristine.

I glance at her. Dark hair tumbling around her pale face. Her eyes in the rear view mirror darker than normal and tense, keenly observing our surroundings. That red dress. _Stop_. I force my mind away from that thought. Still looking at Penryn, guilt floods my chest. I am putting an innocent girl in harm's way, but then again it was her idea. She did kidnap me. I swallow my feelings. Ignoring them. We have a job to do. Safety be damned.

"Look for a club-like scene. Lots of light, lots of women. Go and park there, but not too close," I whisper from the back of the SUV cloaked in shadows.

Penryn pulls the vehicle into a parking spot and shifts into park. My back, where my wings used to be, tenses. I imagine what it would be like if my wings were still attached. They would prickle in anticipation. Adrenaline puffing them up and out, ready to take to flight, gliding silently behind me like another set of armor.

I pull myself out of the darkness, toward Penryn, but she is frozen. I can see her shoulders and arms stiffen, her jaw clench. A silent war in her mind plays across her face like a shadow. With a deep breath she opens the door and climbs out of the SUV. I figure she is as good at pushing down her feelings as I am.

I crawl out from behind Penryn, a freezing burst of wind ruffling my hair and causing goose bumps to rise along my arms despite my jacket. My eyes shift toward Penryn. If the cold was affecting me like this, I hated to see how she was holding up. As I suspected, Penryn stood next to the car, shivering, her arms curled around her body. Her hair swirling around her delicate face in a frenzy.

_Give her your jacket._

If this was any other day, any other time, any other place, I would have wrapped my jacket around her and held her in my arms until she stopped shaking, but this was neither the time nor the place. I reached behind me, stroking a feather poking out of my jacket. A reminder of why we were here. Sadness clutched my heart again, soon replaced by rage. How dare those bastards take my wings from me? I would get even.

I picked up my sword and wrapped it around my waist, tucking it securely under my tux jacket. "Sorry I can't offer my jacket." I couldn't look at Penryn.

_I really was sorry._

"When we get closer, I need you to not look cold so no one wonders why I don't take off my jacket to give to you." Despite our barbaric ways, angels are known to be gentlemen.

Penryn's face scrunched up in a silent question, but I ignored it, proud of her for holding it in.

"How come it's okay for you to be seen now?" Penryn asked.

So much for holding in all those questions. I arch my brow and sigh, tired from all the questions. My hope is that this mission ends quickly so Penryn can move on her way.

_No you don't. _

Deep down the words keep repeating over and over like a broken record. I try to ignore them. Ignorance is bliss after all, right?

Penryn throws her hands up in surrender. "Okay, okay. You call the shots, I follow. Just help me find my sister." She twists her fingers over her mouth an unfamiliar gesture.

Turning from Penryn, I straighten my jacket again, making sure my wings are perfect. If anyone suspects anything, this whole soiree will go to hell in a hand basket in record time. I stick out my elbow, offering Penryn my arm. She takes it without thought, wrapping her small hand around my bicep. The sensation sends chills through my center, persuading me to close my eyes in pleasure, instead my muscles tighten at her touch, trying to keep from thinking about taking her in my arms and...

_You have to keep focused. _

_You can't let yourself daydream about school boy fantasies._

_It's an abomination._

We stroll down the sidewalk past couples and guards, sidestepping random pieces of trash being tossed around by the frigid wind. I keep my eyes focused on our surroundings knowing that my enemies could be anywhere. Just a few days ago, I didn't think I had any enemies. I was Raphael, archangel. Now I was Raffe, angel without wings. I focused on Penryn's warm fingers gripping my arm and relaxed, releasing the tension in my upper body. Taking comfort in Penryn's soft touch was enough to require another scolding, but I was forgiving considering the circumstances.

We approached the brightly lit club, an art deco sign lighting the throngs of people gathered on the sidewalk below it.

"What is this, a costume party?" Penryn asks gesturing to the angels dressed in authentic zoot suits, complete with felt fedoras, feathers and dangling chains, looking like mobsters.

"It's the just current fashion for the aerie," I answer, my voice harsher than anticipated. This is what I stood against for centuries.

"What happened to the rule of not fraternizing with the Daughters of Men?" Penryn asks, as if she could sense my thoughts.

I clench my jaw trying to remain composed. My veins ignite in anger at the abomination I see around me. Women draped on angels like garments. Whispered sweet nothings that transform into fiery kisses and wandering hands. Blue clouds of cigar smoke. Sifters of Brandy. Excessively loud talking and laughing. It reminds me of the quote, "Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die." Die. Indeed.

"Excellent question." My voice is low and harsh, promising destruction to those defiling those things that are natural.

"So producing children with humans gets you damned because Nephilim are a big no-no, but anything up to that…?" Penryn turns her dark eyes to meet mine in question. My answer is choked off. Her beauty overwhelming me. My breath catches in my throat.

I shrug trying to steady my now shallow breathing and appear nonchalant. "Apparently, they've decided that's a gray zone. It could get them all burned." I trail off, thinking about how Penryn makes me feel. The intense desire I have every moment I am with her. The desire to kiss away her pains and heartache. To hold her and keep her safe from the world. How I wanted to interlace our fingers and stare into her eyes.

"But the fire can be tempting," I whispered more in a moment of honesty to myself than Penryn.

Penryn shivered. I couldn't tell if it was from my comment or the wind. I was better off thinking it was the wind.

"Try not to look so cold."

Weaving in and out of the crowd, I forced myself to stand a little taller, pushing my shoulders back and holding my head up in an air of supremacy. My face a mask of apathy. I made sure I looked like I belonged. Though how could I belong to this anymore? My hand covered Penryn's on my arm, unwrapping her fingers in a steady motion. I cradled her elbow in my hand, guiding her through the doors past the guards without even a glance towards them. I belonged here.

Inside, I ushered Penryn through the busy lobby only stopping once to study the crowd and get my bearings. We shift down a quiet hallway, the soft light casting more shadows than light. I direct Penryn into the shadows against the walls, trying to stay inconspicuous. A few steps in front of us are a set of expensive looking, leather double doors. That's where we need to go. Adrenaline courses through my veins causing my already keen senses to be more aware. I keep my eyes on the doors before us silently hoping that no one I know exits the doors.

The doors open, as if on cue, and out walk three warrior angels. Broad and regal with swords strapped to their sides. Upon closer inspection, I realize they're warriors from my battalion.

_Damn it. _

Instinctively I duck my head toward Penryn, smiling as if she is the light of my life. I lean my forehead against hers, wrapping an arm around her waist and another around her shoulders. My heart pounds against my rib cage. I'm not sure if it's from seeing my battalion or being this close to Penryn. This close to fire.

My mind wrestles against itself. All the emotions I have pushed down are violently writhing below the surface, threatening to explode. The grief of being tossed away by my men like a used piece of trash. Men I used to trust my life with. The pain of being wingless. The guilt of desiring a Daughter of Men. The anger behind it all. I close my eyes, trying to breathe through the waves of emotions bombarding me. All the while I keep a smile on my face and my eyes focused on Penryn.

I'm only partially aware of Penryn's arm encircling my back and her gentle breath on my face. I am no longer in her arms. I am transported somewhere far away, being tossed and turned like a ship on high seas during a hurricane. I am drowning in the flood of emotions.

Warmth spreads across my face from a soft touch, but not blocking the waves. I am paralyzed by the feelings.

_Pain. Rage. Sadness. Guilt._

A hesitant touch pressed to my lips.

_Pain. Anger. Sadness._

Soft and tender lips. Sweet and warm.

_Pain. Anger._

Lips. Penryn's lips.

_Pain. _

Like a man drowning I grab hold of Penryn, grabbing her lips with my own with a bruising ferocity that surprises even myself. She is a life raft in the middle of choppy seas. I clutch Penryn closer in desperation, hoping I don't take her down with me. She is my oxygen. My life force. She is my salvation.

As the emotions ease, so do my lips, but now I realize I am in Penryn's embrace. Her arms hold onto me for dear life. Her lips silky and deliciously tempting against my own. I know I should break away, but I can't. I tell myself that I can excuse this later. It was a moment of need. Desperation. I won't be able to excuse another kiss, but right now I can. I grab hold of that thought, pushing any other thoughts away. I need this. I need her.

My lips slide over Penryn's. A sensual dance of lips and tongue. I grab her lower lip between mine and gently suck, running my tongue over it. I feel Penryn gasp at the motion. Knowing I can never kiss her again like this, I give it my all, willing my heart and mind and soul and body into the kiss. I want both of us to remember this kiss for eternity. I want my kiss to tell Penryn of all the feelings I can never say aloud. All my need for her. My gratitude for her rescuing me. How when I look at her she is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. How I want to hold her when she shivers and warm her. How I want to protect her from all the evil of the world. How I never want to let her go.

I lean into her, sighing at the feel of her pillowy breasts pressing against my chest. Our lips part and I slide my tongue into her mouth. Fire shoots from my core, igniting every vein in my body. I breathe her in, lavishing her like she is a rare, exotic treat. I run my hands up her back to her hair, pulling her closer to me, never wanting to let her go.

But I do.

I have to.

I pull back, desire still coursing through my body, tensing my muscles. Penryn's pupils are blown out, making her dark eyes look black. Her skin is flushed, her heart racing, her breathing shallow. I can sense that she wants me as much as I want her.

I exhale trying to calm my body. Pushing down my yearning, but not able to pull away from her. Looking at her, with her hair disheveled and her face glowing, all I want is to gather her in my arms and continue what I started. Or rather, she started, but I can't. I know I can't. She is fire, and I don't want to burn.

I see my thirst reflected in Penryn's face. My chest constricts knowing what I have to do next.

"You should know," I start keeping my voice low so eavesdropping ears can't hear. "I don't even like you."

Penryn stiffens in my arms. Her jaw drops. Her eyebrows furrow. Her eyes widen. Her cheeks flush. I can feel the humiliation and hurt radiating off her. It pains me to have hurt her, but it was necessary. What she doesn't know, what she can't know, is that it's a lie. What I just said was a lie, and it hurt me more to say those damned words to her than it hurt her to receive them. I don't give her a chance to respond. I pull away and step through the double doors into the party, my mind repeating the words I really wanted to say, _I need you. I want you_.


End file.
